So I broke down and called a hooker who advertised "real girlfriend experience". She came in without knocking, told me I was a slob, nagged me to take out the garbage, said I was a loser with no future and criticized me for playing video games for hours. Accused me of cheating on her, ate all my food and broke down crying saying it was my fault she was getting fat. Claimed she was pregnant. Stole my wallet and cigarettes, keyed my car and ran off with my friend drunk. She was spot on, best money I ever spent.
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