Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm

Bartender says "what's up with the octopus?" Guy says "this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him." There's a band on the stage, so the guitar player walks up and puts down his guitar. Tentacles start flying, and the guitar starts making the most beautiful sounds you ever heard from a guitar in your life. Sax player walks up and puts down his saxophone. Tentacles start flying, and the next thing you know, he's playing the saxophone like a master. At the back of the bar is an old Scottish man, who walks up in his kilt and lays a bagpipe in front of the octopus. Tentacles start flying, but no noise is happening. The guy, nervous, says "come on octopus, what's going on?" Octopus goes "dude, I'm trying to get her pajamas off, you mind?"

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As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection,

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

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Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, "Hey! Are you a superhero!?"

He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"

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Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I'm just glad I live in Canada.

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A plane went down over the ocean, and three of the survivors end up stranded on a remote tropical island.

They don't get very far before a tribe of cannibals capture them and bring them back to their village as prisoners. One of the men says "Please don't eat us! We'll do anything!". The cannibal's chief decides to have a bit of fun with them and says "Oh? Well then, go into the forest and come back with 10 pieces of the same fruit." So the men break off and search for fruit.

First one comes back with a 10 apples. The chief says "If you can shove those up your ass without making a sound, we wont eat you." He barely fits the one before he whimpers in pain so the cannibals eat him. Now the second guy makes it back with a 10 cherries. Chief says "Like I told the last guy, if you can shove those up your ass without a sound, you can live." Its going pretty well, and the man has only a few left when he suddenly starts laughing uncontrollably, so they eat him.

Now the spirits of the two dead men meet in heaven, and the first says "Man you were so close! Why would you start laughing?!?" The second guy responds "Because I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples!"

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Trump book

Today I was at the bookstore; as I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me.

I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

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Me and my wife were happy for 28 years...

Then we met each other

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Without a doubt my favourite Robin Williams movie is

Mrs. Fire

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When you excel in life...

People start to spreadsheet about you. . . . . (I'll show myself out).

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How many policeman does it take to change a lightbulb

none they just beat the room for being black

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If a midget smokes weed...

does he get high or medium?

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A stormy night.

A loud knocking on the door wakes a man and his wife in the middle of a stormy night. The man opens the door to a stranger, who asks him for a push.

"No way!" says the husband, slamming the door shut in the stranger's face.

"Who was that?" calls his wife. "Just some drunk asking for a push", he answers, "it's 3 am and pouring heavily out there!" " You should be ashamed", his wife replies, "don't you remember that time when we broke down and those two guys helped us out? You should go and help him."

Sighing, the man pulls on his coat and heads out into the pouring rain.

"Hello? " He calls out in the dark. "Do you still need a push?" "Yes, please", comes the reply. "Where are you?" the husband calls out. "Over here", the drunk replies, "On the swing".

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I bought a 3 foot long skeleton arm for my Halloween decoration today.

The store assistant asked me, 'Are you going to put it up yourself?'

'No, you sick fuck, it's going in my living room,' I replied.

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Boss: Hey, why are you late for work third time this week!?

Me: Um....'cause it's wednesday?

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I put adderall in the gas tank of my Ford Fiesta...

...turned it into a Ford Focus

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I heard about this farmer who was feeding his cows marijuana so they would be happier and produce more offspring.

I can't recommend it because the steaks would be too high.

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A police man pulled over a miner.

Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you going and what do you do.

Miner: mine

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I am thinking about hosting an invitation only nudist party...

It's going to be a private gathering...

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Did you hear about the husband who found that his wife had run off with the man who installed their security system?

He became quite alarmed

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What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift.

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Smartass

Student: mister steven could I ask you a question

Teacher: Yes of course

Student:how do you put an elephant inside a fridge

Teacher: I don’t know

Student: just open the fridge and put it in.ok I have another question

Teacher: ok ask

Student: how do you put a donkey in a fridge

Teacher: just open the fridge and put it in

Student: no first you take out the elephant and then you put the donkey in

Teacher: ffs

Student: let me ask another one, what if a lion threw a party and all animals were invited but one went missing

Teacher: the lion would eat a deer or something

Student: no the donkey cause it’s still in the fridge

Teacher: are you fucking kidding me

Student: no sir

Teacher: .........

Student: ok one last question

Teacher: alright then

Student: if there was a river where crocodiles live and you wanted to cross it. How would you do that

Teacher: i would need a boat for that

Student: no you just swim cause all the crocodiles are a the lion’s party

Teacher:...........

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How does the calculator percent key work?

Article URL: https://blogs.msdn.microsoft.com/oldnewthing/20080110-00/?p=23853

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=18343846

Points: 1

# Comments: 0



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cURL 7.62.0 moar stuff

Article URL: https://daniel.haxx.se/blog/2018/10/31/curl-7-62-0-moar-stuff/

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=18343842

Points: 1

# Comments: 0



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An open letter to Satoshi Nakamoto on 10th aniversary

Article URL: https://qz.com/1444664/an-open-letter-to-satoshi-nakamoto/

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=18343836

Points: 1

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Simple React-Native Steps Component

Article URL: https://github.com/vinothkumarrenganathan/rna-steps

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=18343825

Points: 1

# Comments: 0



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Quote of the Day

"Another belief of mine; that everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise." - Margaret Atwood
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My husband's 2018 pumpkin carving!

My husband's 2018 pumpkin carving! submitted by /u/nicolebizzle to r/pics
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Ask HN: Should I Get a Job as Product Manager or Developer?

I’ve started two companies. The first one offers a web app that matches people for long-distance carpools. It failed because in most cases the demand and supply are not on the same price level. I manually matched drivers and passengers as the website gets built. My cofounders did all the web developing.

After the company fails, I took a few programming classes in college and started learning how to build websites in rails(I have no coding experience before). A year later, I started the second company solo. My goal is to develop a web app that converts sketches to slides. I am shutting it down since I’m still far from delivering MVP but money is about to run out. I spent about 3 months developing it.

I decide to get a job now so that I can save money and meet future cofounders for my next company. I love interacting with people more than programming. But I’m okay with programming. My question is, to increase my odds of success in the next company, should I try to get a job as a product manager or a developer? And why?


Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=18343823

Points: 1

# Comments: 0



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Factbox: Ten years of Bitcoin

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Queen's Guard receives a visit from his older brother!

By October 31, 2018 , No comments
Queen's Guard receives a visit from his older brother! submitted by /u/neo_marc
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The actual recording of the Chili's Baby Back Ribs jingle.

By October 31, 2018 , No comments
The actual recording of the Chili's Baby Back Ribs jingle. submitted by /u/shaka_sulu
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Who owns the Statue of Liberty?

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Who owns the Statue of Liberty? submitted by /u/260418141086
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Red Dead Re-ducktion

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After telling a Redditor that I could open up a walnut with my bare hand, I was challenged to prove it. Here you go!

By October 31, 2018 , No comments
After telling a Redditor that I could open up a walnut with my bare hand, I was challenged to prove it. Here you go! submitted by /u/thatsmyaibo
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Mans account of the Nanking Massacre and what he saw.

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Mans account of the Nanking Massacre and what he saw. submitted by /u/Datboyi
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Bill Hader doesn't stand a chance against Fred Armisen in "The Californians" on SNL

By October 31, 2018 , No comments
Bill Hader doesn't stand a chance against Fred Armisen in "The Californians" on SNL submitted by /u/ilkikuinthadik
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My Dad's Top Secret Hobby (Cr1tikal)

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My Dad's Top Secret Hobby (Cr1tikal) submitted by /u/Petrel_
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It's Over Anakin

By October 31, 2018 , No comments
It's Over Anakin submitted by /u/Urimk
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Horses, Peacefully Farting and Snoring

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Horses, Peacefully Farting and Snoring submitted by /u/FattyCorpuscle
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Dog Eating Crunchy Apple Slices

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Earth's Next Balance Patch

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Professional Wrestler Kevin Nash on Fox News discussing steroid use and Chris Benoit's Double-Murder/Suicide

By October 31, 2018 , No comments
Professional Wrestler Kevin Nash on Fox News discussing steroid use and Chris Benoit's Double-Murder/Suicide submitted by /u/HotelForDogsWasOkay
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I had a chance to chase my friend's race car with my FPV drone. This is the result:

By October 31, 2018 , No comments
I had a chance to chase my friend's race car with my FPV drone. This is the result: submitted by /u/QuainPercussion
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Best drunken cover of an 80's song

By October 31, 2018 , No comments
Best drunken cover of an 80's song submitted by /u/Not_A_Hyperbole
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I made an independent comedy pilot with my life savings. (FULL EPISODE)

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I made an independent comedy pilot with my life savings. (FULL EPISODE) submitted by /u/surfsupbra
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The GI JOE PSAs are still my favorite videos after all these years

By October 31, 2018 , No comments
The GI JOE PSAs are still my favorite videos after all these years submitted by /u/Spongemage
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David S. Pumpkins

By October 31, 2018 , No comments
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Visiting the coldest town on earth

By October 31, 2018 , No comments
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Streetcar "dashcam" from 1931 (Leipzig, Germany), stabilized [29:24min]

By October 31, 2018 , No comments
Streetcar "dashcam" from 1931 (Leipzig, Germany), stabilized [29:24min] submitted by /u/A_Sinclaire
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Boxing And Brain Damage

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My daughter (7) keeps getting touched inappropriately at school, school brushing it off (Washington)

On a near daily basis, my daughter (age 7) is getting groped by a boy at school. She says he typically does it when the class is lining up and when the teacher is not looking, or at recess. So far he has touched her butt, her chest, and proclaimed "we should have sex."

We talked with the teacher, who said she would "keep an eye on things" to try and eliminate the opportunity for it to occur. This has not helped. We escalated to the principal, who was kind but essentially said it was up to my daughter to cause a scene and yell and scream to bring attention to the issue whenever it happens to try and deter it, but my daughter does not want to do this because she finds the situation embarrassing and doesn't want the attention. Not to mention, it's not actually addressing the issue.

The principal said that they "have a plan in place, but the plan will only work if all parties are on board." The read between the lines comment was: "the boy's parents are not taking the issue seriously." The principal immediately knew who the boy was, and in talking with other parents at least one other girl in the class is having a similar issue of unwanted touching.

We are really fed up that the situation is allowed to keep occurring and that our daughter does not feel safe. It shouldn't be up to my daughter to "cause a scene" when it happens. What obligation (if any) does the school have to try and correct this issue?

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What happens in real life sex that you don't see in porn?

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AITA for not believing my girlfriend's 'discomfort' during sex?

Pretty much says it in the title; whenever I initiate sex with my gf she winces in pain and says it's uncomfortable. Yet whenever she is up for it there seems to be no pain issue at all.

Last night we were fooling around and I got her to orgasm through foreplay - zero issues or pain. I was pretty into it and initiated sex and instantly she was uncomfortable, despite me slowing down the pace. Finally after one thrust she yelled out in pain pretty much directly in my face which was the final straw for me. This has been happening for so long now yet she never does anything about it and tbh I doubt there is any pain - and if there is then she seems to be exaggerating it way out of proportion. I know that people will say no vagina, no opinion; but I know for a fact that I wasn't being forceful or rough so to downright scream in my face was totally unnecessary.

She has no other symptoms or discomfort aside from this, and like I said if she initiates then miraculously there's no problem. It's not a lube thing either, trust me I've tried that too.

I guess the reason I'm asking is because last night we kinda had a big fight about it. I lost my cool and told her how huge a turn off it is to see her face screwed up in pain all the time, and how I didnt think the pain was as bad as she was making out. I told her that sex was becoming really boring and I could pretty much predict how it would go each time. I also said the only solution at this point was just to not have sex. She called me an asshole and went on the offensive. Said I have two moves and yet I expect her to be like a 'porn star'.

So am I the asshole? Or should there be more give and take in this scenario? Can I insist she gets a medical check?

TL;DR: girlfriend is in apparent pain any time I want to have sex, but is fine when she's the initiator. AITA for calling her out on it?

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In Hoi4, Tannu-Tuva is more industrialized than the United States.

Tannu-Tuva has 2 factories in 1936 and has a total population of 0.09 million people, The United States has 160 factories in 1936 and has a total population of 123.21 million people. Doing some quick math Tannu-Tuva is more industrialized than the United States. TT: 2 / 0.09 = 22.22 industrial rating | US: 160 / 123.21 = 1.29 industrial rating. Tannu-Tuva is almost 20 times more industrialized than the United States.

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Muslim groups raise enough money to cover funeral costs for all Pittsburgh victims

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