Well, fuck.
Not a throwaway because I have no shame left to feel.
TIFU by orgasming so many times I went blind in one eye. That’s right, catholics, your mother and that one creepy priest who smelt like bologna were right.
Seriously, though. Last night I was trying to sleep (obligatory “not technically today”) but failing miserably. I have bipolar disorder, I’m off my medication (that is a TIFU in itself), and I was in the early stages of a manic episode. For those who aren’t batshit crazy or psychology majors (arguably the same thing) - that basically means my brain is in complete crackhead mode. I tried to lull myself to sleep by reading, working on my Mothman musical, and thinking about Al Gore. At about 3am, after laying in bed for five hours, I decided I had to exhaust myself physically rather than mentally.
[Enter stage left] lesbian porn. Here’s the part where I mention how my clit is made of steel. I came twice, my usual, then thrice, barely a strain within ten minutes. For some reason, coming for the fourth time is always the most difficult. Having finished the porn (which I actually found on r/lesbians, thanks perverts!) I decide to dive into the disgusting depths of my imagination. Now, whenever I’m jerking off to just my vile thoughts, I always have to go completely under the covers. Unfortunately, it is extremely fucking hot where I live, and the only source of escape from the demonic heat is my floor fan which sounds like a blender giving birth to a garbage disposal. Super sexy background music to my masturbation fantasies, right? Anyway, for some reason I can’t come on my own if my head isn’t under some blankets/cloaked. Maybe Saudi Arabia is actually just extremely progressive towards female sexual pleasure? Since this incident I’ve only slept for four hours. I’m losing my mind.
Anyway, at this point I’m abusing my clit harder than an elderly person with a touch screen electronic. After ten long ass minutes, which is essentially an eternity to my extremely efficient clitoris, that sweet wave of bliss crashes through me. My clit breathes a sigh of relief and I emerge from my very, very sweaty cocoon of sin. My right eye is stinging a little bit, and I realise the acne treatment I’d put on hours ago has sweated into my eye. I grab my water bottle and pour a little into my eye, roll over, and go the fuck to sleep.
I’m sure you can see where this is going, but I certainly didn’t. And now I could probably only see half of it, considering half my vision is obscured by a fucking eye patch. I wake up in intense agony, spend half an hour rinsing my eye and freaking the fuck out. The weird angle I’m bent at over the sink causes my poor clitoris to recoil in sensitivity. For some reason, this made me so. fucking. angry. I felt genuinely betrayed. Like, how dare you? YOU did this to me. This is YOUR fault. Et tu, Clite?
Once my eye starts to swell up, I call the poison control line, lie through my teeth, and they tell me to go to the pharmacy. Arguably the weirdest walk of shame I’ve ever done.
I continue to build my throne of lies in front of the pharmacists, who recommends some eye rinse and, if the swelling doesn’t go down, an eye patch. The swelling, my fellow comrades, did not go down. My eye is still blood shot, slightly stinging, and a lovely shade of “what the fuck have i done” red which pairs well with the itchy, puffy skin surrounding it.
Now I’ve got a black eye patch, an angry clitoris, and a dick appointment for tonight that I’ll probably have to cancel. I’ve been wanting to bang this guy for WEEKS. Also, my eye still hurts like an absolute bitch, and I can’t even distract myself with meaningless sex because unless this dude has a pirate fetish I’m shit out of luck.
TL;DR: I masturbated and now I’m down one eye, one clit, and one much-longed for dick.
EDIT: Sweet baby jesus’s clit, what the fuck? This blew up and someone irl and sent it to me asking if I wrote it. Damn my unforgettable Mothman musical. Anyway, I did not cancel my dick appointment. I told him what happened and he found it funny/endearing. (Less endearing when I got to his place and wouldn’t stop dirty talking using pirate puns. I’ve never been more grateful for the colloquialism “booty”). Also, my eye no longer stings and the swelling has gone down. Hallelujah.
EDIT #2: Clearly the reddit detectives have all suffered a stroke because numerous people have been sullying my good name in the comments with accusations of heterosexuality. To clarify: I’m bi. Also, thanks for all the cool shit and stuff, I guess.
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