Tuesday, January 31, 2023

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

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Race-Norming

Article URL: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Race-norming

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34600811

Points: 1

# Comments: 0



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ELI5 - Why can’t the IRS just bill/refund me?

I get that people who are self employed or own rental property may need to report earnings, but if I have a standard w2 style job and some interest from my bank accounts - why can’t I just get a bill/refund without the extra work/admin?

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 ELI5 - Why can’t the IRS just bill/refund me?

A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar, watching the 11 o’clock news on the TV. The lead story is about a man at the top of a skyscraper, getting ready to leap to his death…

The brunette looks at the blonde and says, “20 bucks says he jumps.”

The blonde shrugs her shoulders and says, “Ok, it’s a bet.”

Sure enough, two minutes into the newscast, the man jumps to his death.

The blonde reaches into her purse and pulls out a twenty. “I guess I owe you,” she says.

The brunette shakes her head and says, “I saw this on the 6 o’clock news and I knew he was gonna jump. I can’t take advantage of you like that.”

The blonde says, “I saw this on the 6 o’clock news, too. I just didn’t think he would jump again!”

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Monday, January 30, 2023

Chinese takeout: $25.00, Gas to get there: $2.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes: Riceless.

Edit: Full disclosure: Yes, it's a repost, but I applied increased cost of living. The takeout used to be $15 and the gas $1.50. Not my fault.

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Motel 6’s slogan is “we’ll leave the light on for you”.

Because you definitely do not want to be there when it’s dark.

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Sunday, January 29, 2023

Funding Open Source

Article URL: https://leerob.io/blog/funding-open-source

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34571696

Points: 2

# Comments: 0



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Privacy by Design

Article URL: https://dorian.substack.com/p/privacy-by-design

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34571245

Points: 1

# Comments: 0



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My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink Canadian whiskey.

I am still mean but I am sorry, too.

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Saturday, January 28, 2023

What do you call a Hispanic with a vascetomy?

A dry Martinez.

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Snow White was in the bathtub, feeling sleepy.

Then he got out, so she felt Dopey instead.

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Friday, January 27, 2023

Arcosanti

Article URL: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arcosanti

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34550826

Points: 1

# Comments: 0



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Many women turn into good drivers

So if you’re a good driver, watch for women turning

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What is a chronic masturbator’s favorite piece of attire?

A jacket.

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Show HN: I made a vertical CNC Router

I built this over the last 1.5 years from scratch. I think the build is interesting and novel and haven't seen any others that are similar.


Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34549940

Points: 2

# Comments: 0



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Thursday, January 26, 2023

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

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Quasi NSFW

A boy comes home from school at 7PM. His dad is PISSED.

"Where have you been?"

The son replies "I was at Megan's house. We were studying for tomorrow's algebra test."

He grabs a snack off the table and says "Wow, dad, these crab cakes are delicious!"

Dad says, "Go wash your hands, you moron. Those are donuts."

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Tuesday, January 24, 2023

How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine harvester?

Just one, but you squeeze them through really slowly.

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How to Value Software Buyout

We (my business partner and I) have a small company writing software in a niche industry. A consulting company has approached us to purchase a specific product we developed, for exclusive use by them. Up until now, we use our custom software to produce detailed analysis for the outside consulting company (we charge them, then they charge their clients directly) We have no experience in valuing the software for sale. We've been using our in-house GIS software to produce the reports, and over the last 5 years have had income of almost $700k. Anyone have suggestions on how we should go about putting a value on this software? They want exclusive rights to use it. I've read several articles on how to value software (note: source code will still be ours, in escrow). Some articles suggest either 3, 4, or 5 years of past billings/income to value the sale of that software. Any suggestions?


Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34509015

Points: 1

# Comments: 0



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I am not a smart man.

I am not a smart man. submitted by /u/cheese8904 to r/Military
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 I am not a smart man.

I am a dyslexic gay man..

All day I think about is SPINE

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GPT3 Therapy

Article URL: https://aotherapy.com/

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34507969

Points: 1

# Comments: 3



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Monday, January 23, 2023

What do you call a bee that’s having a bad hair day?

A frisbee..

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How Primitive Building Videos Are Staged [video]

Article URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hvk63LADbFc

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34493929

Points: 3

# Comments: 0



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He knows he chose the right one.

He knows he chose the right one. submitted by /u/Sming7177 to r/funny
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 He knows he chose the right one.

What did one plate say to the other?

Dinner's on me.

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Sunday, January 22, 2023

What do you call a vegan who’s into BDSM?

Biodegradable

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Saturday, January 21, 2023

Growing Weed

My neighbour just got arrested for growing Weed,

I guess the property line isn’t where i thought it was.

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When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.

When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.

That’s Arkham’s Razor.

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Offer a man a plane ticket and he can fly for a day.

Pueh a man from a plane, and he can fly for the rest of his life.

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Ask HN: Is an union for sw developers still a bad idea?

The idea of an union for software developers is not new, unique to the profession and has been discussed multiple times before. Whenever I bring it up it gets dismissed along the lines of "we are getting paid $$$ and we're in demand so why bother?"

Given the state of the market and how corporations are treating their human capital nowadays do you think an union for software developers is a viable thing?


Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34457825

Points: 3

# Comments: 4



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Thursday, January 19, 2023

Anyone hear the joke about the guy with 5 penises?

His pants fit like a glove

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A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun.

A few hours later lying in a hospital bed he’s approached by a doctor. “The good news is you are going to be ok” “the bad news is there is some pretty significant buckshot damage to your penis, so I’m going to have to refer you to my sister”.

“Is she a plastic surgeon”? asked the hunter.

“No says the doctor” “she plays the flute so she can teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your face”……

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Wednesday, January 18, 2023

What do you call a cross dressing dinosaur?

A Try Sarah’s tops

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Albacore

Albacore submitted by /u/Capptaincommie to r/shitposting
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 Albacore

A guy runs full speed into a bar and yells, "Bartender, 11 shots of your finest whiskey, NOW!!"

The bartender lines em up, and the guy knocks them back as fast as he can pour.

Bartender says, "Jesus, buddy, why you drinking like that?"

"If you had what I had, you'd be drinking like this, too."

"Why, what do you have?"

"Bout a dollar."

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Tuesday, January 17, 2023

Twitter generates duplicated entries in “Interests”

Article URL: https://twitter.com/app4soft/status/1615436313259294721

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34417759

Points: 1

# Comments: 0



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Are guys actually attracted to bigger girls?

Not lazy and unmotivated, just bigger

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 Are guys actually attracted to bigger girls?

Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

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Monday, January 16, 2023

The carpet

A sophisticated, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around, spots a beautiful rug, and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, ma’am, how may we help you today?"

Flustered, she asks, "Sir, how much does this rug cost?"

"Madam," he answers, "If you farted just touching it, you’re gonna shit when you hear the price."

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Am I the idiot?

Am I the idiot? submitted by /u/Lukyjoe to r/IdiotsInCars
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 Am I the idiot?

When someone says to me, "A penny for your thoughts?" I ask for a quarter

It makes more cents.

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Sunday, January 15, 2023

Velma, it is possible...

Velma, it is possible... submitted by /u/Tili44 to r/dankmemes
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 Velma, it is possible...

My first time posting a joke here. I first heard this one as a teenager and I've been telling it for at least 35 years now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. It's a long one, so be ready.

There once was a young, newlywed couple who just arrived in their honeymoon suite after a wonderful day spent celebrating their union with family and friends. The newlyweds, having both grown up in very sheltered homes, had no experience in the matters of sex and had pledged to one another to wait until their wedding night to engage in any sort of physical activity, not even nudity.

Both of them were extremely nervous about disrobing in front of the other for the first time. In an attempt to help set his lovely new bride at ease, the groom offered to go first. He reached for the light switch, flicked off the overhead light, and then lit a candle to help set the mood and hide his own discomfort.

“I need to tell you,” he said, “I’ve never been naked in front of anyone before, ever. We’ve been together for 5 years now and even you’ve never seen me naked. There are some things you don’t know about me…about my body. I’ve been too afraid to tell you.”

His wife looked at him, with love and understanding in her eyes. “Honey, I love you, all of you, no matter what.”

His mind somewhat at ease, he bent down to remove his shoes and socks. As he did, his feet were revealed to have toes that looked like they had been mangled in a lawn mower accident. Each toe was horribly misshapen and covered in scar tissue and blackened, flaky toenails. He looked up at his wife and said…

“Sweetheart, when I was little, I had ‘toe-lio’. It’s like polio, but it only affects the toes and as you can see, it gets bad for some people. I’ll never get better, but I’ll also never get worse and you can’t catch it.”

His wife gazed into his eyes with no less passion than she had before.

“Baby, I love you for way more than your toes. You’re my man and that’s all there is to it.”

Her husband smiled, reassured. He kissed her forehead gently, then reached to undo his belt and pants, and let them drop to the floor. As they fell, his knees were shown to be covered in open, festering sores, scabs and callouses. He looked at his wife, and gently held her by the shoulders. He lifted her chin sweetly to look into her eyes.

"Sweetheart, when I was a teenager, I fell in the shower in PE class and because of the dirty floor, I contracted the ‘knee-sles.” It’s just like the measles, but much worse when concentrated in the knees like it is with me and others who have the 'knee-sles'. It’s flaring up right now because of all the stress of the wedding, but once everything dies down and we can get to a pharmacy, everything will be fine. Again, you can’t catch this.”

His wife looked at him again, with love in her eyes as before.

“Babe, you’re my man and I swore, just a few hours ago, to stand by you in sickness and in health, and I will. We’ll call the pharmacy in the morning. I love YOU.”

Her husband smiled broader than ever, fully convinced that his new, amazing wife was indeed the incredible angel he had come to believe she was. Full of love, passion, and confidence, the groom grasped the waistband of his underwear and let them fall with a floof onto the floor.

At seeing this, his new bride looked at his genital area, her eyes widening and her mouth dropping to the proverbial floor. After a few seconds, she burst into uncontrollable laughter and said, between heaves and guffaws,

“Oh, so now I suppose you’re going to tell me you had ‘smallcox’ too!”

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Saturday, January 14, 2023

Sylvester Stallone wants to make a movie about classical music..

He wants to play Beethoven.

Jean Claud Van Damme says “I’ll be Mozart”

Arnold Schwarzenegger “c’mon guys. Don’t make me say it”.

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White Space

Article URL: https://oykun.com/white-space/

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34383432

Points: 1

# Comments: 0



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