Monday, October 31, 2022

The Competition - Wishing you a Happy Halloween!

Dracula wanted to know which of his bats was the best. So, he organized a little competition.

The bat which would drink more blood in less time than others would be the winner.

The first bat went and came back after 10 minutes. Its mouth was full of blood.

Dracula was impressed.

He asked, "Nice, how did you do it?"

The bat said,

"Do you see that tower? Behind it, there is a house. I went inside and drank the blood of all the family."

Dracula said, "Very good".

The second bat went and came back after 5 minutes. He too had blood on all his face.

Dracula was shocked, "How did you do that?"

The bat said,

"Do you see that tower? Behind it, there is a hotel. I went inside and drank the blood of all the guests."

Dracula said, "Fantastic".

Now the third bat went and came back just after 1 minute. There was blood on all his body.

Dracula couldn’t believe his eyes, "How did you do that?"

The bat said,

"Do you see that tower?"

Dracula said, "Yes".

And the bat said,

"I didn’t see it".

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[Pablo Torre] I started watching the movie Kyrie tweeted out to prepare for today's episode of @debatable. And if you were wondering exactly how insanely anti-Semitic it is, just know that they show this quote from "Adolph Hitler," as such:

Tweet

I started watching the movie Kyrie tweeted out to prepare for today's episode of @debatable. And if you were wondering exactly how insanely anti-Semitic it is, just know that they show this quote from "Adolph Hitler," as such:

"America has God's Jewelry, The Americans have the jewels of God. The Americans have stolen God's precious jewels. "What do you mean his precious jewels?" THE SOLDIER ASKED, Hitler said, "America has stolen the Jews. The Jewels of God. His Jewelry. The NEGROES. They are the TRUE HEBREWS. What a foolish move and a direct challenge to God. And they plan on moving these false white Jews into a state of Israel."

"Because the white Jews know that the Negroes are the Real Children of Israel and to keep America's secret the Jews will blackmail America. They will extort America, their plan for world domination won't work if the Negroes know who they are.”

Believed to be said by Adolph Hitler in a secret document before his death in an undisclosed location.

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 [Pablo Torre] I started watching the movie Kyrie tweeted out to prepare for today's episode of @debatable. And if you were wondering exactly how insanely anti-Semitic it is, just know that they show this quote from

How does a ghost plan his day?

He makes a to-boo list

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Sunday, October 30, 2022

Twitodon: Finding Twitter Peers on Mastodon

Article URL: https://twitodon.com/

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33397677

Points: 51

# Comments: 5



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A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey...

The bartender gives him one, looks at him head to toe, and asks, "So, what did you dress up for this Halloween?"

The man replies, "A nine-carbon chain".

The bartender chuckles and says, "A nine-carbon chain with alcohol?"

"Yeah, any problem with that?"

"No, nonanol"

Studying chemistry right now and thought of this one. Y'all enjoy Halloween now!

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Cactus a 6502 homebrew blinkenlight computer

Article URL: http://commodorez.com/cactus.html

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33397159

Points: 2

# Comments: 0



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Saturday, October 29, 2022

The scientific experiment

Three international urologists were arguing amongst themselves as to why the head of a man’s penis is larger in circumference than the shaft.

At the end, they decided to go back to their respective countries and perform sexual scientific experimentation, and then share their written conclusions.

1 month later the British urologist wrote,

- “My fellow colleagues, after 20 sexual experiments I have come to the conclusion that the head is larger than the shaft so as to permit the female more pleasure during intercourse.

2 months later the French urologist wrote,

- “My fellow colleagues, after 40 sexual experiments I have come to the conclusion that the head is larger than the shaft so as to permit the male more pleasure during sexual intercourse

1 year later the Polish urologist wrote,

- “My fellow colleagues, after 1000 sexual experiments I have come to the conclusion that the head is larger than the shaft so as to prevent the hand from slipping off the end of the penis.

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Star Raiders™. New Game. Private Property. (1982 Atari ad)

Article URL: https://twitter.com/fultonbot/status/1586354815814156288

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33387263

Points: 1

# Comments: 0



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LPT request: What are some grocery store “loss leaders”?

I just saw a post about how rotisserie chicken is a loss leader product that grocery stores sell at a loss in order to get people into the grocery store. What are some other products like this that you would recommend?

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 LPT request: What are some grocery store “loss leaders”?

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper left on my front step.

I have fallen on some hard Times.

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Friday, October 28, 2022

I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of the dictionary...

I learned next to nothing.

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Thursday, October 27, 2022

Elmer Fudd and Daffy break into a distillery.

Daffy turns to Elmer and says, “ Is this whiskey?”

Elmer says: “yeah, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank.”

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Wednesday, October 26, 2022

Iquaflow: Tools to Assess Images Quality

Article URL: https://github.com/satellogic/iquaflow

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33348338

Points: 1

# Comments: 1



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Hi Reddit! I’m George Russell, driver for the Mercedes-AMG Petronas F1 Team! AMA!

Hi Reddit! I’m George Russell, driver for the Mercedes-AMG Petronas F1 Team! AMA!

Hi r/formula1, this is George Russell here! I’ll be answering your questions on Friday morning in Mexico so send them in and I’ll do my best to answer as many as I can!

https://preview.redd.it/mwbausbmo6w91.jpg?width=5464&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2340d744b5806c05e3c0def34a3340c71a72e96b

Proof: https://twitter.com/MercedesAMGF1/status/1585319203690749953

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 Hi Reddit! I’m George Russell, driver for the Mercedes-AMG Petronas F1 Team! AMA!

How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?

What's a light bulb?

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Tuesday, October 25, 2022

GAGOOT: Reimagining the World Wide Web

Article URL: https://gagoot.com

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33334633

Points: 1

# Comments: 1



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5.0 Earthquake in the Bay Area

Article URL: https://twitter.com/earthquakessf/status/1584979612936785920

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33334631

Points: 1

# Comments: 0



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Ducks

Three old ladies died and went to Heaven.

The first lady met St. Peter at the gate.

"Welcome to Heaven! You can do whatever you want, but whatever you do, you must not step on a duck."

The woman was confused. She soon found out there were ducks everywhere. On the third day there, she stepped on a duck. St. Peter showed up with a hideous looking man and made them face each other. They were handcuffed together for eternity.

The second woman was also greeted by St. Peter with the same warning. She was a bit more careful but stepped on a duck after two weeks. Same fate. Ugly dude, handcuffed facing each other for eternity.

The third lady was able to go for an entire six months without stepping on a duck. St. Peter showed up with the most beautiful man she had ever laid eyes on and handcuffed them facing each other for eternity.

With a smile she said "What did I do to deserve this"?

The man responded by saying "Lady, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a stupid duck!"

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Archillet TV

Article URL: https://archillect.com/tv

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33320641

Points: 1

# Comments: 0



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Ask HN: Has anyone had decent success selling iBooks?

Update from 2016: https://ift.tt/JlUNeP9


Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33320561

Points: 1

# Comments: 0



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Ask HN: What are some sites that should be archived before they are lost?

Some sites I have bookmarked no longer exist as the creators have died, gone bankrupt, founder disputes, or shut down for other circumstances.

What are some that should be archived by numerous users? I'm thinking more information-heavy sites.

Sure, The Way Back Machine might contain them, but even they might one day be bankrupt or shut down


Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33309101

Points: 1

# Comments: 0



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Why did Elliott Page only eat salad?

Because he was a her before

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Mike and his wife Sara went to the state fair every year, and every year Mike would say, "Sara, I'd like to ride in that airplane."....

Sara always replied, "I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

One year Mike and Sara went to the fair, and Mike said, "Sara, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."

Sara replied, "Mike, that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Mike and Sara agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was spoken. He did all his tricks over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Mike and said, "My, my, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Mike replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Sara fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

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What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?

A URL-ologist.

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Saturday, October 22, 2022

Why We're Leaving the Cloud

Article URL: https://twitter.com/swardley/status/1583814169656459265

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33301395

Points: 1

# Comments: 0



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A man is walking by a tall fence and hears people chanting, "13, 13, 13."

The man tries to look over the fence but can't see because it's too tall.

He then notices a hole in the fence and looks through, only to get poked in the eye. The people on the other side then start chanting, "14, 14,14."

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Friday, October 21, 2022

The sheriff at the press conference said “we have a torso with no arms, legs, or head.”

“Frankly, we’re stumped.”

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A man who tried to fake an element [video]

Article URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qe5WT22-AO8

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33292286

Points: 1

# Comments: 0



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Yesterday I saw a gay cockroach…

How do I know it was gay?

It came out of the closet.

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Thursday, October 20, 2022

My girlfriend said that if I keep pointing out features of our house to her, she'd leave me.

"Well," I said to her, "there's the door..."

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Wednesday, October 19, 2022

What is the Eric Conspiracy?

Article URL: http://www.catb.org/~esr/ecsl/

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33266164

Points: 1

# Comments: 0



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[LEC Wooloo] [Sources] Bot laner Flakked and Jungler Jankos have been allowed to explore their options as they will not be a part of G2 Esports roster next year.

LEC Wooloo just tweeted that flakked and jankos might be out of G2 for next year and are allowed to explore other options

[Sources] Bot laner Flakked and Jungler Jankos have been allowed to explore their options as they will not be a part of G2 Esports roster next year.

Tweet: https://twitter.com/LEC_Wooloo/status/1582685150642843648

Jankos reply on the wooloo tweet: https://twitter.com/G2Jankos/status/1582690470039212032

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 [LEC Wooloo] [Sources] Bot laner Flakked and Jungler Jankos have been allowed to explore their options as they will not be a part of G2 Esports roster next year.

A man walks into the local cathedral and says to the rector, “I would like to join this fucking church.”

The rector is astonished. “I beg your pardon, sir . . . I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?” “Are you deaf? I said I want to join this fucking church!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this building.” “Okay, twat face, I want to speak to someone else.”

The rector goes into the bishop’s study to inform him of the situation. The bishop listens and both return to confront the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There is no problem,” the man says. “I just won fve million fucking quid on the fucking lottery and I want to join this fucking church to get rid of some of this fucking money.”

“I see,” says the Bishop, “and this cunt is giving you a hard time?”

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A guy is camping and finds his buddy standing over an outhouse toilet about to drop a $50 bill down the hole.

“What on earth are you doing?” he asks his buddy.

His friend replies “I was taking a dump and a $10 bill fell out of my pocket and went down the hole…… and I sure as hell ain’t going down there for ten bucks”.

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Tuesday, October 18, 2022

A man goes to the the doctor with terrible constipation,

The doctor examined him and said "do you eat a lot of peas?"

The man nods his head and the doctor says "if you cut them out then everything should go back to normal" so the man does and everything is fine.

Years later he is drinking in a bar with some old guys and one of them says "I could really do with a cigarette, I gave up smoking a few years ago for my health and miss it often".

The second guy says "I had to give up golf to save my marriage and really miss the quiet mornings"

The last guy says "that's nothing, I haven't had a pea in 5 years", the bartender overhearing this jumps on the the bar and shouts "EVERYONE WHO CANT SWIM GRAB A TABLE!"

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Oracle to Contribute GraalVM CE Java Code to OpenJDK

Article URL: https://twitter.com/graalvm/status/1582441450796900354

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33251970

Points: 3

# Comments: 0



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A cop pulls someone over for speeding...

He asks the driver: "Why were you driving this fast?"

"I'm late for work!", he responds

"What are you working as?"

"I'm an asshole-widener."

The cop is confused: "What's that supposed to be?"

"Well," he calmly explains, "I take an asshole and try to put my finger in there, then two, three, four until I get my whole hand in. Then I do the same with my other hand. Once I have both in there, I start to widen the asshole. One foot, 2 feet, 3 feet up to about 6 foot."

The is as disgusted as confused: "What the hell are you doing with such big assholes??"

"Most of the time, we give them a radar gun and put them on the side of the road."

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Monday, October 17, 2022

A Golfing Injury

A guy went out golfing and took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he dropped to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and taped it all together; a pretty impressive piece of work.

The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.

This was the first time he saw them, and she said, "You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before."

He tore off his pants and said, "Honey, look at this, still in its original crate!"

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A car in central London was weaving all over the road one night.

A patrol car spotted him and pulled him over. The officer approached the car and said, “Sir, get out of the car, I need you to blow into this breathalyser.”

The driver reached into his pocket and produced a doctor’s note. It read: “This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath.”

The officer said, “Okay, I need you to come with me, sir, and give a blood sample.” The man produced another letter. This one read: “This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way.”

So the officer said, “Right, a urine sample then.”

The man produced a third letter from his pocket. It read, “This man is an American. Please don’t take the piss.”

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Sunday, October 16, 2022

Meeting St Peter

Three women have just entered heaven and are standing in front of an angel and St. Peter to find out what kinds of special privileges they'll have while there.

He says to the women,

- "I only have one question. Have you lived a chaste life?"

The first woman answers

- "I have only had sex with one man, my husband. And our first time was on our wedding night."

St. Peter turns to the angel and says

- "Ah, a woman who has lived as God intended, and certainly deserving of reward. Give her a key to the golden room."

The second woman says,

- "I have never known a man's touch. I was a nun and stayed in the sisterhood since I was only a young lass."

St. Peter turned to the angel and said

- "Truly exceptional, a woman who has gone above and beyond in service of God. Give her a key to the platinum room!"

The third woman says

- "I fucked 239 dudes: 67 before I met my husband, 35 while we were dating, 12 while we were engaged, 78 while we were married and 46 after he died."

St. Peter stood stunned for a second, then leaned over to the angel and whispered,

- "Give her a key to my room."

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Week 8 AP Poll

Week 8 AP Poll submitted by /u/itsnotnews92 to r/CFB
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 Week 8 AP Poll

Walked in on my wife having sex with her personal trainer.

I said "ok, this isn't working out"

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What's a pirates favorite letter?

  • R?

  • No! The C be his first love

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What did the rain say when it was too cold

What the hail

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10:00 = free meal

10:00 = free meal submitted by /u/I_hatt to r/youseeingthisshit
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 10:00 = free meal