Thursday, March 31, 2022

What's the most profane bone in the human body?

The blasfemur

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A farmer's wife comes out into the field as he's plowing and begins to nag at him.

Moments later, one of the mules pulling the plow kicks her right in the head, killing her.

After the funeral, the priest walks up to the bereaved man and asks, "I noticed that many people approached you and offered their condolences. Whenever a woman would approach you and speak, I could see you smiling and nodding your head up in down in affirmation. But, whenever a man would speak with you, you'd frown and shake your head 'no'. Why was there such a difference in your reaction?"

"Well, Father", the man replied, "All the women kept remarking about what a wonderful woman my wife was, or how beautiful she looked, and all I could do was agree."

"But what about the men?", asked the priest.

"Well", the man answered, "They kept asking me if I'd be willing to sell them that mule."

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I got in a huge fight with my wife this morning.

At the end of it though, she came crawling to me on her hands and knees, and you know what she said?

"Get out from under the bed you fucking pussy!"

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A Young beautiful teacher was giving

her class of six year olds a quiz "behind my back I've got something red, round and you can eat it. what is it?" she asked. "an apple" replied little Raymond "no," said the teacher " it's a tomato but it shows your thinking." "I've now got something round, a greenish colored you can eat it." "An apple," replied little Ian "No it's an onion, but it shows your thinking." Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class says "I've got something under my desk that's an inch long, white and it has a red end." "Dirty little boy," said the teacher "No it's a match, but it shows you were thinking," he answered.

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Who is hosting next year’s Oscars?

Jerry Springer.

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Monday, March 28, 2022

Now I'm mad

Now I'm mad submitted by /u/HydeSpectre to r/funny
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 Now I'm mad

I got in one little fight and my mom got scared.

She said, "You can't slap Chris Rock because your wifes got no hair"

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Why did Will use an open hand?

Because paper always beats Rock.

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I Screwed Your Mom

A young guy is sitting at the bar when an old drunk stumbles in, sits down next to him, and says, "I just screwed your mom." The young guy ignores him, but a few minutes later the old drunk leans over again and says, "Your mom is the best screw I've ever had." The young guy ignores him again, so the old drunk leans over and says, "Your mom's ass is so tight, I-" at which point the young man stood up and yelled, "GO HOME DAD, YOU'RE DRUNK."

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Sunday, March 27, 2022

Cursed noise

Cursed noise submitted by /u/Fiksdal to r/cursedcomments
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 Cursed noise

Ask HN: What Happened to Clubhouse?

I've not been following its development. I do not hear about anymore. I guess the hype has died out. Is it still popular? Is it still gaining users? What went wrong? Have more viable competitors risen?


Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30822682

Points: 8

# Comments: 3



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Saturday, March 26, 2022

A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.

“A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up, and when we have enough we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer.

So he thought he’d go on, in the traditional obnoxious way...

“Rabbi, what about all these cookie purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the cookies?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up all the crumbs from the cookies and when we have enough we send them in a box back to the manufacturer. Every now and then, they send a box of cookies.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

“Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”

“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.”

“The IRS?” asked the auditor in disbelief.

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “the IRS. And about once a year they send us a little dick like you.”

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I proposed to my ex-wife today

She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money

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My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn .

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Friday, March 25, 2022

Ask HN: Quirky Hardware Setups?

any interesting hardware setups?

For example my laptop's boot drive is empty, I boot off of an external/portable usb ssd always. This lets me boot into my setup on any computer (useful for connecting to PC with gpu when I need it), but its annoying to keep a usb drive constantly connected.

Would love to hear more things like this.


Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30805654

Points: 1

# Comments: 0



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Ask HN: Books with stories of successes in software engineering?

Seeing my company fail at software engineering -- we created a huge messy system that was barely ever refactored while the list of features piled up uncontrollably and the team grew -- i would like to know how others do it.

I've already read "The Mythical Man-Month", "The Phoenix Project" to learn some useful lessons on how to successfully build software. Maybe there are other books you guys know, possibly with real world stories of successes to learn from? I would like to suggest specific steps to my leadership so I'm looking for any information on the topic.


Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30805601

Points: 1

# Comments: 0



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How are people not boycotting Apple products?

I've just seen some news about the new Mac Studio and I just can't believe that people are still buying their stuff:

- a 2000$ computer only comes with 512GB of storage

- you cannot upgrade any of the components yourself

- if you want 1TB of storage, it's gonna cost you an additional 1000$

- there are no peripherals included so you have to spend another 100$ and 200$ on mouse and keyboard

- you can't even use the mouse while charging it (I don't even know what to say about this)

- they stopped selling the Studio's "predecessor" so people are forced to buy their new product

- the monitor will set you back another 1600$ and doesn't even offer the most basic ergonomic functions

- if you want to be able to adjust the monitors height, you gotta pay another 400$ and still won't be able to rotate it

- and last but not least: you cannot remove the power cable from the monitor (why?!?)

That's like 5300$ for a workstation that is still lacking some of the most basic functions I would expect from a computer.

What is happening here?

EDIT: Please don't get hung up on the "boycott" too much. I couldv'e phrased it better

EDIT2: Didn't think this would blow up. Thanks for the genuine, good replies. Not gonna be able to keep up, though. People are taking this post way too seriously.

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 How are people not boycotting Apple products?

Thursday, March 24, 2022

I wish Safari browser didn't exist

Article URL: https://twitter.com/ianberdin/status/1507078850047627267

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30794449

Points: 2

# Comments: 0



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men, if there was an effective male birth control available for you with some possible side effects, would you take it?

by side effects i mean potential nausea, headaches/migraines, weight gain, mood change, and possibility of lower libido.

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 men, if there was an effective male birth control available for you with some possible side effects, would you take it?

I travelled to the United States for the first time, and decided to learn some words beforehand.

One that got people very emotional was the word plethora.

I could see it meant a lot to them.

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Sounds of Mars ~ NASA Mars

Article URL: https://mars.nasa.gov/mars2020/participate/sounds/

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30793876

Points: 1

# Comments: 0



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Wednesday, March 23, 2022

Poll: Is the USA in a state of war with Russia?

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30782539

Points: 1

# Comments: 2



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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

“That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord." So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!"

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What's an archaeologist?

Someone whose career is in ruins.

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The Pope and Putin are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans over to Putin and says, “Do you know, that with one wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts for the rest of their lives, and whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"

Putin replies, “I do not believe. With one wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

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Tuesday, March 22, 2022

What is worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

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Biggest misconception about moving from big company to startup?

Curious for those who have made the transition - were there any surprises (good or bad), broken myths, or unforeseen challenges?


Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30769872

Points: 1

# Comments: 0



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He actually said this

He actually said this submitted by /u/iCANNcu to r/JoeRogan
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 He actually said this

It just feels really good

It just feels really good submitted by /u/Simply_Bry to r/gaming
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 It just feels really good

First MCU Hero

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 First MCU Hero

My mother told me I should always treat the janitor with the same level of respect I show to my CEO

That's how I started sucking the janitors cock.

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There were two beggars...........

There were two beggars sitting next to each other on the street. One of them had a sign saying "Please Give" next to a large Star of David, while the other had a sign saying "Please Give" next to a large cross.

A man stopped to watch them. He noticed that most people would just pass by the beggar with the Star of David, then stop and make a large donation to the beggar with the cross.

Eventually, he saw enough, and walked over to offer some advice. "Sir, I realize that you must express your faith, but surely you can see how much more money your Christian fellow here is making? If you converted, or even pretended to convert, you'd make much more money." Then he dropped a chunk of money in the beggar's hat and left.

The two beggars watched him go, then the one beggar turned to the other and said "Would you look at that, Moyshe? Some gentile trying to teach the Moskowitz brothers how to do business."

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Saturday, March 19, 2022

Ask HN: Is Google Down for You?

Can't get to google.com, and trouble with their 8.8.8.8 DNS server too.

Looks like others are seeing it too: https://ift.tt/cjfVJin


Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30736476

Points: 1

# Comments: 2



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My wife asked which of her friends would I prefer for a threesome.

Apparently I was supposed to stop at one.

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me_irl

me_irl submitted by /u/SnomIsGod to r/me_irl
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 me_irl

Fundamentals of TDD

Article URL: https://thoughtbot.com/upcase/fundamentals-of-tdd

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30725958

Points: 2

# Comments: 0



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Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.

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3 Alien leaders are discussing the fate of humanity

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to subjugate them. We need to kill the rest before they kill more of us!"

"Our losses are precisely why we can't kill them all," said the second. "The cost of this invasion was more than any of us could have predicted! We need to enslave them! Have them harvest their own planet for us so we can recoup our losses."

Yet a third had another idea. "We could transport them back home and sell them to the zoos! People would pay dearly to see these them".

The first two vetoed the third. Shipping that number of people half way across the galaxy was too much, they must stay where they were, dead or alive.

This went on for several months with neither of the three able to convince the two. A compromise was finally reached - the humans would be enslaved, but public executions would take place first, to keep them in line. Some few would be taken home and sold to the zoos.

The alien leaders flew down to earth and arrived at the first of the compounds where the humans were being kept. They announced their plan to enslave the humans. As was expected, there was anger from the crowd. Several started shouting and making obscene gestures. Those were pointed out to the alien guards and brought to the front were they were executed in the most horrific way. They flew to another camp and the process was repeated. Several humans raised their hands and are horrifically executed, the rest enslaved.

They visited several camps and finally reached the last one, their task almost complete. They announced the plan one last time and again the humans raised their hands in anger. The alien leaders pointed them out one at a time.

"What's that one doing," said the first alien. "He isn't shaking his fist like the others."

"It almost looks like he's waving," said the second Alien.

"Let me see," said the third Alien. "Wow! I don't believe it."

"What?" Asked the second Alien.

"It's Dave!"

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Did you hear about the lumberjack competition?

Apparently it was won by tree fellers from Ireland

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Webglc: Gpgpu for Web Browsers

Article URL: https://github.com/ashtonsix/webglc

Comments URL: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30714570

Points: 2

# Comments: 0



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